As I've said before, I'm starting the process of getting a divorce. Definitely not what I pictured myself ever having to do. Question: why does it take $30 to get a marriage license and 1 second to say "I do" but so much more time and money to get a divorce. I understand that it's to deter people from getting divorced but maybe they should make it harder to get married instead. I have so many anxieties about getting divorced, not that we have any property to divide. I'm anxious about how this will affect the children. My son is only 2 1/2 years old but he's very perceptive. I don't want to go through a nasty divorce because the only people it'll hurt is the children. I want them to live as normal lives as possible. I don't want them to remember their parents fighting all the time when they grow up. I want them to see that me and their father were still able to get along even though we were no longer happy together.
I have started dating since I separated from my husband. I actually knew Carlos about eight months before I even met my husband and everything was going great between me and him. I think back now and ask myself, "why did I ever leave him?" I realize that at the time, it wasn't meant to be...yet. Now, five years later he has a beautiful daughter and I have my two beautiful children and we've reconnected. The only problem now is that we live in two different cities. We plan on moving in together sometime next year and I can't wait for us all to be together. He makes me feel so good about myself, always telling me how beautiful and amazing I am. I have never felt this good about myself and I can't believe how happy I am sometimes. Sometimes it feels like a dream and I feel like I have to pinch myself. I really couldn't ask for more in my life....except maybe world peace. haha. I love him so much and I'm the happiest I've been in a really long time. This year, so much has changed in my life. I separated from my husband and am getting a divorce, I had a beautiful baby girl and I have a wonderful man in my life. Going into the new years and celebrating with everyone that I love. It will be the best new years I have ever had. My new years resolution: just to be happy. And I don't see any way that couldn't happen. Life is good, and I'm taking one day at a time. And everyday, my life seems to be getting better and I feel more and more happy.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Being a Single Mom
I am a single mom. I have a son, 2 1/2 years and a daughter, almost two months. She's still not sleeping through the night yet and some nights can get pretty long. We're living with my parents and although she has her own crib, my son doesn't have his own bed so we share a bed in my room. My parents have been so helpful since I've lost my job, I wouldn't know how to begin to repay them for the last couple months. I'm still struggling to look for a job now and once I do, my mom will probably be the caregiver for both my children. My son won't go to sleep until I do and sometimes, depending on when my daughter is eating, it can be as late as two o'clock in the morning.
Sometimes it gets hard, and I feel frustrated that I'm the only one giving up sleep and taking care of both of them during the day. I also hate that their father never calls to see how they're doing or asks when he'll be able to see them again. When he does see them, he doesn't like to change the pampers or feed them. It's usually his mom or sister that helps out when they visit. It frustrates me mostly for my children, because they'll never see him as a father figure unless he learns to grow up. Sure his name will be "Daddy" but all the responsibilities and sacrifices that come along with that title mean nothing to him, it seems. God forbid I ask him to change a pamper or feed the baby or my son. He always asks why I can't do it, or passes the job off to his mom. If it was the other way around and for some reason he had custody, and I was the one who only got to see them once a week or once every couple weeks I would die to be able to change every diaper I could and be able to hold the baby to feed her. I just don't understand. Sometimes I think, "Well, it's his loss." But really, its not. The kids are the one who are losing a father figure. They're losing that relationship that I think everyone should have. I hope one day he wakes up, grows up and realizes what he's missed all this time. I hope....but that's all I can do for now.
Sometimes it gets hard, and I feel frustrated that I'm the only one giving up sleep and taking care of both of them during the day. I also hate that their father never calls to see how they're doing or asks when he'll be able to see them again. When he does see them, he doesn't like to change the pampers or feed them. It's usually his mom or sister that helps out when they visit. It frustrates me mostly for my children, because they'll never see him as a father figure unless he learns to grow up. Sure his name will be "Daddy" but all the responsibilities and sacrifices that come along with that title mean nothing to him, it seems. God forbid I ask him to change a pamper or feed the baby or my son. He always asks why I can't do it, or passes the job off to his mom. If it was the other way around and for some reason he had custody, and I was the one who only got to see them once a week or once every couple weeks I would die to be able to change every diaper I could and be able to hold the baby to feed her. I just don't understand. Sometimes I think, "Well, it's his loss." But really, its not. The kids are the one who are losing a father figure. They're losing that relationship that I think everyone should have. I hope one day he wakes up, grows up and realizes what he's missed all this time. I hope....but that's all I can do for now.
Friday, December 3, 2010
To a New Life and a New Beginning
So let me start this blog by telling you a little about myself. I am 22 years old with two children. Soon to be divorced. I grew up in a small town with two parents, two brothers, and two sisters, one of them is my twin Melissa. I love Mel so much. She's always been there for me. Of course we had our rough times growing up, but what sisters don't? When I was 12 years old I was given a typical school assignment: write a paper on where you see yourself in 10 years. I was a typical ambitious young girl. I thought I would be graduated from college, starting on a new career. I always knew I wanted to help people. I believe I was in the 9th grade when I decided I wanted to be a nurse. So I graduated high school 3rd of my class, not too bad I thought. I got accepted to the University of the Incarnate Word, the best private school to go to if you wanted to be a nurse. After a year and a half of attending, I got accepted into the Nursing Program. I was one of about 100 people to get accepted out of the many hundreds that applied. I was ecstatic. I got married young but I was happy...at the time. My future started to change January of 2008. I had just found out I was pregnant and was starting to have complications. The doctor put me on bedrest for two weeks. The Dean of Nursing said that was two weeks too much and I had to de-enroll from school. It was heartbreaking to say the least but I would do anything to ensure the wellbeing of the baby. I thought to myself, "it's just for now. I can always go back later." I had a healthy baby boy who we named Marcus Daniel. Right before our second anniversary my husband dropped a bombshell on me; he said he didn't love me anymore. Overnight it seemed, my life had changed. It had come out of nowhere. We were only separated for a couple months though and we eventually reunited. After that happened though, things were never the same for me. My life really changed on June 17, 2010. I was again 5 months pregnant with my baby girl. That day will never leave my memory. That morning my husband had offered to go with me to my doctor's appointment, something he hadn't done the entire pregnancy and had barely done with my first pregnancy. I was happy and the day started off really well. We got home from the doctor's office and my son went next door to spend time with his tia. We decided to take a nap. I woke up from the nap and grabbed my cell phone to see what time it was, only it wasn't my cell phone. There was a new message. This was the most important text message I will ever have read because it changed my life in an instant and I will never forget what it said (by the way, the phone I grabbed was my husband's in case I hadn't made that clear): "hey babe. I look cute today. I love you and miss you and I'll call you when I get home." He was cheating on me!! I couldnt believe it. And even as I was showing him the message, he was trying to deny it. I was furious. I stormed out and went and picked up Marcus from next door and went to H-E-B to pick up a prescription, only an excuse to escape the house. I was thinking the entire time I was driving and waiting in line. I finally knew that I couldn't believe his lies. I couldn't ever trust him. So I told him he had to leave. I cried the entire day. For weeks after that I would find myself crying at random times. In public I kept my cool and especially in front of family and friends and most especially in front of Marcus, I would hold it in. I believe that spending time with Marcus during those weeks kept me sane. I had been betrayed by a person I had completely trusted with my happiness.
My life changed for the better in mid-July. I started talking again to a man I had said goodbye to when I was in high school. Ironically I had chosen my husband over him. He had always been sweet to me and we had been talking for eight months when I broke it off with him. He was a friend of Mel's boyfriend and then of Mel's when she moved to El Paso. He asked me to be his girlfriend on August 17th, exactly two months to the day that I had found out my husband was cheating. He has a beautiful little girl as well. I found strength in him and confidence. I was even able to tell myself that I was beautiful and that I deserved to be happy. When I compare my relationship with this man to the relationship I had with my husband, it's completely opposite. I realize now that my husband would find little ways to put me down, to make me feel wrong or stupid if I ever questioned his actions or something he said. Well, I didn't realize it. I always knew that he did that, but I accepted it as a part of life. Something I could handle because I couldn't fathom a divorce at the time. My boyfriend always tells me how wonderful and amazing I am and I love that we can disagree on certain things and it just makes our relationship better. I can see our future together and it's wonderful and bright and happy.
It's been 10 years since I wrote the paper on where I would be when I was 22 and although things aren't the way I imagined, they're even better. I have two beautiful, wonderful, amazing children that I love more than life itself and a handsome, awesome boyfriend that treats me better than I have ever treated myself. I am again starting on the path to become a nurse and recently became certified to be a medical assistant. I believe that if I hadn't read that message on June 17, 2010, my life would be completely different than it is now, but it would be much worse.
My life changed for the better in mid-July. I started talking again to a man I had said goodbye to when I was in high school. Ironically I had chosen my husband over him. He had always been sweet to me and we had been talking for eight months when I broke it off with him. He was a friend of Mel's boyfriend and then of Mel's when she moved to El Paso. He asked me to be his girlfriend on August 17th, exactly two months to the day that I had found out my husband was cheating. He has a beautiful little girl as well. I found strength in him and confidence. I was even able to tell myself that I was beautiful and that I deserved to be happy. When I compare my relationship with this man to the relationship I had with my husband, it's completely opposite. I realize now that my husband would find little ways to put me down, to make me feel wrong or stupid if I ever questioned his actions or something he said. Well, I didn't realize it. I always knew that he did that, but I accepted it as a part of life. Something I could handle because I couldn't fathom a divorce at the time. My boyfriend always tells me how wonderful and amazing I am and I love that we can disagree on certain things and it just makes our relationship better. I can see our future together and it's wonderful and bright and happy.
It's been 10 years since I wrote the paper on where I would be when I was 22 and although things aren't the way I imagined, they're even better. I have two beautiful, wonderful, amazing children that I love more than life itself and a handsome, awesome boyfriend that treats me better than I have ever treated myself. I am again starting on the path to become a nurse and recently became certified to be a medical assistant. I believe that if I hadn't read that message on June 17, 2010, my life would be completely different than it is now, but it would be much worse.
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